Do you know that the most painful part about a relationship (which is, naturally, not limited to romantic relationships) falling apart is to see its long-awaited future crumbling and its agonizing waits becoming vain?
Ideas and assets of cancelled videogames and novels are not forever lost. More than often, they are held back from a chance that might very well be wasted. Immature auteurs; the deadly rush after deadlines; inappropriate timings that would bury them into obscurity. They were just waiting for their own time to rise.
But humans, made up of small details, are such irreplaceable. Sure, that trip to Europe could have been spent with Valerie instead of Jaina, who recently left, but would Valerie love it the same way? Valerie never had the same taste for polaroids, and certainly not interested in those sweet compliments that you should have said to Jaina, either. They don’t even know the same Frank. They have never been, and will never be the same person. That is, if there is ever a Valerie for another time.
For some reasons, they remained thoughts and wishes. Perhaps you were not living in the same place and unreachable. Perhaps your planned date that did not turn out well. Perhaps you believe there would be plenty of time for another occasion. Perhaps you were shy in front of each other and never found the courage let words reaching where they were supposed to. Perhaps someone decided it was bad timing for intimate feelings. Or maybe just plainly, tragically fateful mamihlapinatapai.
Whatever it was, they would never happen. Not in the same way you wished they would. They would remain lines of a notes of schedules not becoming, leaving a vacuum of nothingness that would never be filled up, ever again.
Unlike The Lost Confidante, Kylie, or Rymdangra, Jaina is gone forever, irretrievably lost. And along with her, so many. Even the future.
Chẳng có mấy thứ tệ hơn cái chuyện luẩn quẩn nghĩ đến người làm mình thấy k ra làm sao cả, rồi sáng thức dậy bằng chính những cái ý nghĩ đó.
Thấy thật là buồn cười là mỗi lần viết một cái blog là lại có một người bỏ đi.
Phát mệt cái trò cả nghiêng trên giường muốn khóc mà k ra nước mắt.
Hận đời đến thế là cùng.
Draft 29: Sleepiness
I have always been annoyed by most people incapability to tell exhaustion, sleepiness and sadness apart.
But are they that far from each other after all?
Wrangling with emotion is certainly exhausting and tiring, and we all a need some sleep.
At that moment, preferably, not waking up at all.
I left my whole life on Juno’s shoulder.
1. Ừ, nhắc đến xong mình cũng mới nghĩ ra là chẳng đếm được trên đời có bao người làm khổ mình nữa.
2. Tourism’s potentiality to suck is enormous. Having an incompatible travel companion is fucking distasteful.
Trước khi lết xác đi làm thấy cuộc đời chua chát đến thế là cùng
If Juno isn’t there, I’d just have to die.
Have I ever told you that Valentine’s day ruined everything?
You were my last beacon. You were supposed to keep telling me that not all women are cruel, loveless and heartless creatures. You were supposed not to be one of them. Why the hell did you have to act like the rest?
You took away my last faith.
Now how the hell am I supposed to live and write that novel?